New Job Ads

Junior Graphic Artist

National DynaNozzle, Trout Mountain, GA

Do you like to draw? Do you like secrets? Would you like to draw pictures of top secret types of missiles and jet planes? Would you like to work in a cubicle only a day’s walk from the nearest vending machine? Would it be okay if our IT guy gives you a random nickname that will basically become your real name pretty much forever? If so, you might be the future employee we’re looking for!

A Junior Graphic Artist works as a member of the Imaging Team, which works with the Gray Team and the Brown Team to provide graphics services to the Task Integration Team. These services include:

Production of detailed assembly drawings for various classified defense projects, such as the “Hopscotch” Air-to-Surface Pocket Glider and the Joybuzzer Frisbee Drone. Which are both really secret projects so don’t mention them anymore. But that’s what you would be drawing, mostly. And the ExoBoot, which is a new kind of boot with little rockets in the soles. Basically, things like you were probably drawing anyway before this job came along.

Production of futuristic art that our Strategic Outcomes Team can show to folks in Washington so we can get contracts so we can pay you after we hire you.

Production and maintenance of complex brackets for all the different office betting pools.

Daily production of birthday cards, party banners, and oversized retirement collages, as well as posters that say we support diversity and all manner of admonitory breakroom signage, as well as humorous clip art for use in PowerPoint presentations.

Qualifications:

Must have 90 years of senior-level experience, and be fluent in Cantonese, Inuktitut, Ubbi-Dubbi, and French. Must be extremely experienced in SeaBreeze Milspec Combat Studio, X-PIX ArtSystems Digital Pencil, EsperCAD, and hand-coding cuneiform. BFA in Technical Diagramming required, Masters in Spirography preferred. Double Ph.D.s in Chaotic Fluid Rendering and Advanced Erasure will actually get an interview. Must be able to operate in an OrcLogix MMORPG environment. Absolutely must be able to handle feral Shoggoths. If you can officiate at Klingon weddings, that’s a big plus, since something happened to our last Klingon chaplain that we can’t go into here. This could even be your main job if it turns out you’re not so much into drawing. Candidate must have been born after 1983 but before 1980. Candidate must supply their own transportation to and, if you’re lucky, from our headquarters in the Realms of the Underverse Office Park, which is at the Trout Mtn. Business Loop exit off Highway 99.

To apply, send your résumé written in Elder Futhark along with a thumbprint and 290 references to the Human Worker Manager, if you can find him.

Social Media Associate

TreeLeaf, Santa Chiquita, CA

TreeLeaf is an up-and-coming brand in the world of brand promotion and consulting. We are seeking savvy young media professionals to help us increase the brand awareness of our brand, which is TreeLeaf. Here at TreeLeaf, we believe that every brand is the symbol of an idea and the idea behind TreeLeaf is that we are one of the top brands on the scene. If you think work should be fun and that TreeLeaf sounds like a fun place to work, then come join us! TreeLeaf!

To be eligible for a fun position at our brand, applicants should be:

Proficient at using social media outlets such as Mumblr, Blurt, ShoutBerry, Yellr, YouFace, ChatTourette, and HEY! to broadcast messages that people would enjoy hearing about our brand.

Proficient at working impactful concepts about TreeLeaf into all conversations.

Proficient at staging flash mobs in places where people would enjoy seeing a lot of people do a dance about our brand.

Proficient at discussing our brand with infants in order to capture their brand loyalty before their brains grow any bigger. Must be able to outrace and fend off social media associates from other brands who will likely be trying to get to the infants before you.

In general, applicants must demonstrate a high degree of proficiency in excellence.

Please note: this fun job with TreeLeaf is not an entry level position! Applicants must have at least five weeks prior experience in the branding industry. Also, applicants must not have ever dated anyone at Doodl, which was founded by our founder’s ex, who broke our founder’s heart into a lot of little pieces. If hired, associates must provide their own thumb insurance. Associates must already know how to operate a Spartina espresso machine, because our brand is growing so big so fast, no one will have time to explain the weird way it works. Whatever happens, please do not break the Spartina. Everything that TreeLeaf is and does and stands for all flows from that machine.

To schedule an intertweet, email treeleaf@treeleaf.treeleaf.

Gallery Assistant

Red Eye Arts, Klaatu Shores, OR

The country’s main exhibitor of handmade fridge magnets is looking for a receptionist to help the owner, who is me, Doraleen Myrtle, with receiving and answering the phones and whatever else I can think of. This is a good job for anyone who’s really into fridge magnets, but it’s also a good job if you like just sitting and doing your facebook and whatever. Burt, my husband, he doesn’t think I need any help, but what does he know? Plenty of times I need help. Like, today, the phone rang and rang and the UPS man showed up at the same time as the FedEx man and also I had a customer I was talking to about a magnet and an artist waiting to show me some of his new magnets. It’s a handful, I’m telling you. Anyway, you want the job, you’ve got it. Oh, it says here I have to say what the requirements are. Well, let’s see

I guess if you could work a phone, that would be good. So that’s number 1.

Number 2 is, don’t be allergic to cats. I have six. Peanut Butter and Muffintop and I forget the others.

Probably number 3 would be you need to know a lot of history facts about fridges. Which, you can learn all that pretty quick, it’s not hard. I have a book about it I can loan you. And it helps with the selling to talk about the art features of the magnets and whatnot. So if you know about that sort of thing, good on you.

Anyway honey, I don’t have all night to fill out this internet form, so just come by and like I said you can have the job if you want it. Number 4, don’t be allergic to dogs. Or birds. I have a couple of birds.

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One Response to New Job Ads

  1. tw says:

    And now we’ll see how long it takes to start getting spam on this thing. The last one that came through (despite the spam blocker) said, “You have excellent blogging. I admire much your relevant paragraphs.” The link in the spam was for a place in the Ukraine that makes herbal remedies for earworms.

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