Newer Job Ad

Domestic Surveillance Associate

Federal [REDACTED] for Strategic [REDACTED], [REDACTED], Virginia

These days, it seems like everybody’s spying on everybody else! Google does it, Facebook does it, even poor old Yahoo! still manages to do it, somehow! And you better believe Amazon does it! You think they don’t know you keep looking at samples of self-published “romance” novels? Well, they do, and they know a whole lot more besides! Here at the [REDACTED], we don’t have anything like the ability to spy on you the way a big box retailer does! Nope, not at all! The only thing we do is we occasionally eavesdrop just a little bit on a few conversations here and there, just to make totally sure folks are talking about the things they ought to be talking about! No big deal! Why, even your neighbors, the ones you never see but you know are watching you from behind their curtains, even they know a ton more about you than we do! Trust us, there’s a lot less to worry about from our [REDACTED]! Especially if you only ever have the good old fashioned normal style of patriotic conversations that are 100% okay to have!

So you can see there’s really no reason at all not to come on and join the team! We’re looking now for plain regular folks who meet most of these simple requirements:

Must be fluent in English.

Must be fluent in all non-English languages.

Must be generally unaware of the history of and the values, aspirations, and strictures embodied in the U.S. [REDACTED].

Must be able to tell the difference between the use of certain buzzwords as superlatives and the use of the same words as indications that actual dangers may actually be afoot. Such as, for example, the use of the word “awesome” to express an extremely positive reaction to a person or to a delicious food item versus the use of the word “awesome” to mean, “Congratulations, that is a very frightening secret plan, Comrade.” Because, when you think you’ve overheard something actionable and you hit the red button, a lot of stuff starts happening and sometimes it’s not always happening at the best of times. Like now and then it’s on the weekends and times like that, so you need to be really sure.

Must be willing to wear war surplus headphones, which are the kind we have down at the Listening Annex. Sometimes folks get a teensy bit of an autoimmune reaction from wearing them. But, looking on the bright side, sometimes they don’t!

Must not mind sitting in the dark for months and years on end next to co-workers who really enjoy Funions. Like, a lot.

Must be proficient in the most common types of data collection software, such as EyeHole X, Peek@U, Dreamcatcher, and EarTrumpet.

Must be fully up-to-speed on the proper operation of the Uher 5000 voice recorder.

Must pinky swear never to use your government-issued omnipotency to collect information on old girl- or boyfriends, exes of any variety, Funion-loving coworkers, or neighbors near and far. If you are caught sticking your nose where it ought not belong, you will be given an official Time Out of three to six minutes and required to pinky swear again, with both pinkies this time.

Applicants need not apply directly to the [REDACTED]. Eligible candidates will become known to us through means you need not worry about. Have a nice day! And good luck!

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